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Money Stealing Machines

Posted in Management with tags , , , on August 5, 2011 by jrvitalis

We’ve all experienced buyer’s remorse at one time or another. How many times when you were a kid did you spend your money on something, only to wish weeks, days or even minutes later that you’d saved it for something else?

The other day, Puppy had her first experience with buyer’s remorse. I’ve worked hard to teach her about the value of money and she generally does a good job managing it, but she was dazzled by the gum machine at the entrance to a store.

“Please, Mommy? If I buy Kitten one, can I use my money to buy a gum-ball, too?”

This was a loaded question. On one hand, Puppy knows I don’t love gum. On the other hand, she also knows that I do love it when she’s generous with her sister.

I generally try to give her autonomy with her money, so I decided to leave the decision up to her. “Are you sure that’s what you want to spend your money on?”

“Oh yes,” she answered. “I’m sure.”

Both girls jumped up and down as the gum came rolling out of the machine, but their excitement was short lived. Walking out of the store a few minutes later, Puppy announced, “That gum only lasted like two minutes—it totally wasn’t worth it.”

Waiting to see where she’d take the thought, I offered my sympathy. The whole situation must have really bothered her, because a short time later, she announced, “That bubble gum machine was more like a money-stealing machine!”

I’m guessing she won’t be so quick to pull out her pocketbook the next time she’s tempted by something. Thankfully, this lesson only cost her two quarters—well worth the price, in my book.

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360 Degree Feedback, Revisited

Posted in Management with tags , , on July 8, 2011 by jrvitalis

In tip number two, we discussed bottlenecks and I proposed cleaning the bathroom while my girls bathed as a potential solution to the age-old lack-of time-dilemma. Unfortunately, Puppy has decided that she is too old for baths (apparently big kids take showers), so rather than join her sister in the tub, she recently decided to sit in the hallway and *grade* my efforts while I worked.

Her final report on my cleaning?

Bad.

Reasons, as recorded in her official notebook:

  1. Wet (not true)
  2. Dirty (not true)
  3. Gross (not true)
  4. Slow (definitely not true!)
  5. Uses the same rags (not true)
  6. Talks back
  7. Sweeps not very well (not true)
  8. Leaves a mess (not true)

Okay, I’ll grant her the talking back thing. When I caught wind of her grading, I definitely had a few thoughts of my own to share. Nevertheless, it didn’t take me long to realize that her list was designed not so much to provide 360 degree feedback as it was to antagonize Mamma.

For that, she gets and A+!

 

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Create Redundancies

Posted in Management with tags on June 24, 2011 by jrvitalis

No self-respecting businessperson would be caught without redundancies, particularly in critical aspects of their operations such as computers, accounting, etc.

In our house, we have built-in redundancies, too. Her name is Puppy. She was apparently born with an attention to detail that both her father and I sometimes lack.

Take three years ago for example. Puppy was almost four, her sister one. We were all scrambling to get out the door. I was planning to drop my husband and the girls off on campus so I could go to an appointment.

As usual, we were running late. Standing in the bathroom brushing Kitten’s hair, I yelled to my husband, “Don’t forget Kitten’s shoes!”  After  I finished the hairdo, we all rushed to the car.

About halfway to campus, I turned around and glanced in the backseat. “Where are Kitten’s shoes?”

“Darn!” my husband said, slapping his forehead.

I checked the clock. If we went home for her shoes, I’d miss my appointment, but she couldn’t run around campus without them.

Suddenly, Puppy piped up. “Don’t worry, I grabbed them!”

My husband and I looked at each other in disbelief. Thank goodness someone in our family is on top of things!

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Pixar’s Magic Formula

Posted in Management with tags , , , , on June 17, 2011 by jrvitalis

Last winter Mark Murphy, CEO of Leadership IQ, posted a blog sharing the secret behind Pixar’s phenomenal track record at the box office. It’s not what you might guess: great plots, state-of-the art animation, or even the talent of their employees (although it’s no stretch to say that all of the above are part of the recipe). Instead, the factor that they identify as the key ingredient in their magic formula is simply this: removing hierarchy. According to Mr. Murphy, when the company identifies a problem with a movie, they immediately bring in a “brain trust” to trouble-shoot the problem. But the brain trust has no authority over the movie. Instead of providing a set of recommendations, they share what their experiences have been in similar situations in the past. Those responsible for making the film are free to take their suggestions, or not, as they see fit.

Mr. Murphy asserts that “Removing formal authority, losing the hierarchical relationships, liberates both the giver and receiver of feedback. No matter how tough the feedback is, if you remove the power dynamics, the typical problems with defensiveness, anger, etc., immediately dissipate.”

He goes on to state this philosophy holds true with his children, as well. If he forces them to eat their vegetables, it becomes a power struggle. If he leaves them on the table as an option, they disappear. With respect to parenting, I would take this argument one step further, and add the importance of education in allowing children the freedom to make their own decisions.

Take the vegetable scenario for example. Offering tomatoes as a choice without forcing the issue may or may not work with any given child, but I’ve found with my own children that the more they know about the health benefits of a particular food, the more likely they are to at least have a few bites. In addition, this can make for a fun topic of conversation at the dinner table, with the kids asking questions about how a particular food will benefit them. Kitten, of course, doesn’t understand these discussions on the same level as Puppy does, but when she reaches for a cherry tomato, she frequently asks if it is a “strong” food. As for Puppy, she doesn’t care much for spinach, but she’ll nearly always eat a leaf or two because she knows it will benefit her body.

I may not have any box office hits under my belt, but if giving Puppy and Kitten some autonomy gets more vegetables into their system, I’m willing to continue working with Pixar’s magic formula.

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Incentives: It’s all About the Braids

Posted in Management with tags , , , , on February 11, 2011 by jrvitalis

We’ve talked before about the importance of incentives, but an event that occurred in our house this week reminded me that incentives, both in the workforce and at home, come down to much more than just monetary considerations. For many, incentives such as vacation time, flexibility, and even recognition count as much as (and sometimes more than) pay.

As many of you know, we’ve had a bout of sickness in our house. Between me, Puppy and Kitten, we were all home for a total of eight days straight. By the eighth day Kitten, who was the first to recover, was bored out of her mind. She begged nearly every day to go visit her best friend, who I’ll call Otter on account of her advanced swimming skills.

When I was finally reasonably confident that we weren’t going to share any of our nasty germs, a play date was scheduled.

Much to my surprise, about a half-hour after Otter’s mother picked Kitten up, I received a phone call that Kitten wanted to come home. Later, I asked Kitten why she’d wanted to leave Otter’s house as soon as she arrived. Her answer?

“She didn’t recognize my braids!”

It took me a minute to figure out what she was talking about. Then I realized that Kitten was excited about a new hair-do she’d talked me into – twin braids running down her back. She must have been expecting Otter to notice. When Kitten didn’t receive the recognition she clearly craved, she wanted to leave!

Kitten’s expectations may not have been all that realistic (after all, how many three-year-olds are really tuned-in to their friend’s hairstyles?), but if I’d thought to ask about her needs at the time, the much-anticipated play date could have been saved.

Kitten’s disappointment was short-lived, but the incident served as a good lesson for me. The next time I find myself in a similar situation, I’m definitely going to remember to evaluate her incentive structure. And in the future, I’ll be much more careful to make sure her braids get the recognition they deserve!

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When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Start Dancing

Posted in Management with tags , , on February 4, 2011 by jrvitalis

It’s been a rough week here at the Vitalis household. It started on Tuesday, when I woke up with a nasty cough and a fever of 105 degrees. Things weren’t looking any better on Wednesday, when I woke up to a fever of 104 and found out Puppy and Kitten’s schools were both closed due to a blizzard. When Kitten spiked a fever around noon and emptied her stomach all over my bed a short time later, I knew I was in for a long week.

Later that afternoon, after having showered, changed the sheets and bundled Kitten and I back in our pajamas, robes, and even winter hats (in an effort to beat off the chills), we snuggled back in bed.

A short time later, I noticed Kitten’s body was twitching. Concerned, I turned to study the feverish eyes that were peeking out from between her blankets and winter hat. That’s when I noticed the twitches were on beat with the music coming from Tom and Jerry, which was playing at the foot of the bed.

 “Kitten,” I croaked, “Are you dancing?”

Too exhausted to turn her head, I thought for a moment she wasn’t going to answer. Then I saw her lips moving. Bending my head closer, I heard her whisper, “My butt is dancing!”

Now that is a kid who knows how to appreciate the small things in life!

Reminds me of one of my favorite poems, Slow Dance, by David L. Weatherford:

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don’t dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won’t last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You’d better slow down.

Don’t dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won’t last.

Ever told your child,

We’ll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say, “Hi.”

You’d better slow down.

Don’t dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won’t last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift …

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

Have a great weekend, everybody – and don’t forget to look for reasons to dance!

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Tell a Good Story

Posted in Management with tags , , on January 28, 2011 by jrvitalis

In the December, 2010 issue of Fortune Magazine, an article by Vickie Elmer describes how storytelling can “help move you forward in your career – both by showing what you’ve accomplished and persuading employees to trust you.”

As a parent, I’ve found storytelling to be a powerful tool to help Puppy and Kitten process difficult situations and emotions in a fun and age-appropriate manner.

For example, Kitten recently started protesting that she didn’t want to attend preschool. She would cry when we turned into the parking lot and refuse to get out of the car. The funny part was, when I went to pick her up after school, she’d cry because she didn’t want to leave!

Feeling comfortable that the preschool experience was a positive one, I decided to dust off my “dinosaur stories,” which was a formulaic story line I’d developed back when Puppy was a toddler to help her work through difficult issues. The stories always start out the same … “One time, there was a dinosaur named-” and then I let Puppy or Kitten fill in the name.

In this case, on the way to school, I started the dinosaur story and proceeded to outline how the dinosaur was worried about going to school. It was nothing thrilling or even particularly imaginative, but Kitten was enthralled. The story, of course, always ends with the dinosaur working through whatever particular situation she is facing.

This particular dinosaur was worried about going to school because she was worried her mommy might not come pick her up at the end of the day. But once she got to school, she realized how much fun it was, and her mommy showed up right on time after school, and the dinosaur “always felt happy going to school after that.”

Corny, but effective. Kitten made me tell it not just one more time, but THREE more times on the way to school THAT DAY. When we pulled into the parking lot, she hopped out of the car without any fuss, and happily ran to her classroom, just like the dinosaur in the story!

I’ve found that by removing the personal attachment to the story and framing it as a fun character, my girls are better able to process their thoughts and feelings and I can communicate different perspectives to them more effectively than when I try to talk to them directly about their concerns.

Do you have any story suggestions? Please share!

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The Networking Challenge

Posted in Management with tags , on January 21, 2011 by jrvitalis

In Tip #15 we talked about how networking is the key to survival. Turns out, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing when it comes to networking.

A few weeks ago, Puppy climbed in the car and announced that she’d organized a play date with a friend from school. I have to admit, my reaction was mixed. On one hand, I was proud that she’d taken this kind of initiative, and delighted to see her making friends on her own terms. On the other hand, we already have a packed social calendar with neighborhood friends, and organizing a play date was yet another item on my to-do list. But my real concern was the precedence this was going to set. I know Puppy well enough to know that agreeing to this play date would set in motion a continual string of play dates in the future – like her namesake, she is truly a social animal.

After much discussion and soliciting advice from friends, my husband and I finally agreed to the play date. Breaking the news to Puppy, she beamed. “Great! By the way, I invited a bunch of friends from school to come skiing with us, too!”

My husband and I looked at each other and laughed. Of course she’d invited a group of friends skiing! Fortunately, we were prepared. We carefully explained that this play date came with caveats.

  1. She can’t go to anyone’s house unless we know the family
  2. Play dates with school friends are to be an occasional thing only
  3. She’s not to talk about this play date at school so that she doesn’t make her other friends feel left out

The next day, Puppy climbed in the car and handed me a note. An invitation for a play date, from a different friend.

“I thought we talked about how you weren’t going to let other kids know about this play date so they didn’t feel bad?”

Puppy looked at me. “Mom, I didn’t say anything. But my friend, I don’t think he knew those rules, because he talked about it in class.”

I could only shake my head and smile. I have a feeling this whole first grade networking this is going to be quite a challenge. And I’m willing to bet it isn’t going to get any easier!

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Go Along for the Ride

Posted in Management with tags , , , , on January 7, 2011 by jrvitalis

With 2010 safely behind us, it’s time to turn our attention to 2011. And what better way to do that than with a set of resolutions for the New Year?

Don’t worry, I’m not going to lecture you about how important it is to set specific personal and professional goals (although I do think it’s an excellent idea!). Instead, let’s talk about our parenting goals for the coming year.

For some, the goals might be obvious: less yelling, more hugs, more nutritious meals and snacks, etc.

For others, setting goals might be a daunting prospect. A good way to get started is to review Tip #10, which covers formulating a mission statement. After you’ve done that, you can sit down each year with your mission statement and evaluate the extent to which you are (or are not) implementing these beliefs into your daily parenting practices.

Right about now you might be making excuses as to why you haven’t set any parenting goals yet. I don’t have time, or it’s too depressing when I don’t meet them are two big ones. But keep in mind, setting resolutions isn’t a punishment, and meeting them is a process.

Take one of my goals, for example. I can be something of a control freak (no comments from the peanut gallery, please!) and one of my ongoing goals with Kitten and Puppy is to encourage them to march to the beats of their own drums. Although we’re only a week into the New Year, I had the perfect opportunity to put this resolution into practice a few days ago.

Kitten and I were playing hide and seek. She counted in the pantry, while I hid under the pillows on my bed. When it was her turn to hide, guess where I found her? That’s right, under the pillows on my bed! Next, I hid behind the drape in the dining room. Yep, that’s where Kitten hid on her next turn, too.

Finally, I put my foot down. “Next time you hide, I want you to find a new spot,” I said.

Kitten nodded, but I could tell by the look on her face that she had no intention of following my directions.

“If you keep hiding in the same spots I hide in, I’ll always know exactly where to find you,” I explained.

She looked at me and shrugged. “I don’t care!”

I was stunned. Copying my hiding spots defeated the whole purpose of the game! That’s when it hit me. For Kitten, the game wasn’t about strategy, or about winning. It was about spending time enjoying each other’s company.

Smiling, I decided to go along for the ride, and I’m sure glad I did, because the fun we had far outweighs any satisfaction I might have gained from “teaching” my daughter to play by the rules.

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258 Reasons to Cultivate Gratitude

Posted in Management with tags , , on December 17, 2010 by jrvitalis

While searching for a topic for this, my last post of 2010, I stumbled across a blog on The Greater Good: The Science of a Meaningful life (one of my favorite sources of positive information). The author of the blog, Christine Carter, Ph.D., cites research by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler.

She writes: “ … every time you feel an emotion—whether it is hope or anger, gratitude or fear—it spreads to six people you know: family and friends, neighbors and coworkers. Then it spreads AGAIN, to six people each of them know, and AGAIN, to 6 people each of THOSE people know. By the end of the day? Your emotion has touched 258 others.”

Astonishing, isn’t it? Every time you experience an emotion, you are conveying that emotion to 258 other people! I can think of no better reason to dedicate this post to cultivating an attitude of gratitude than that!

But how does one actually go about cultivating gratitude? In her blog, Christine Carter posts a hilarious video of a young girl proclaiming her joy to the world.

If personal affirmations aren’t your cup of tea, another suggestion, and one we employ in our home, is to practice gratitude at the dinner table. Our activities vary depending on the night. Some evenings, we talk about best and could-have-been-better, which gives us an opportunity to acknowledge the highlights of our day, and work on techniques to improve the parts of our day that didn’t go as we might have hoped. Other times, we take turns asking each other what we’re grateful for.

Some nights, Puppy and Kitten answer thoughtfully, acknowledging their gratitude for items such as the food on the table, their parents, or a fun part of their day.

Other nights, this activity is a bit of a stretch. Tonight, for example, Kitten pointed at a Christmas card hanging above my desk and said she was grateful for the twins on the card. She was on the right track, except she’s never actually met the girls in question!

Still, we’ll continue with the exercise, knowing that teaching Puppy and Kitten to internalize the habit of acknowledging the joys in their lives will ripple out and touch at least 258 other people.

With that thought, I’ll bid you all a farewell for 2010, and leave you with my thoughts of gratitude that you continue to share your time with me each week. See you in 2011! Happy Holidays!

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