Archive for the Negotiations Category

Protect Your Credibility

Posted in Negotiations with tags , , on July 22, 2011 by jrvitalis

In negotiations class, we were assigned weekly cases in which we were given specific roles. During one case, I decided to test some of the negative negotiating tactics we’d read about, such as misleading the other party and issuing ultimatums. I didn’t know the other individual with whom I was negotiating, and the entire process was unpleasant from start to finish. We failed to reach a deal, and both sides left the table feeling angry and frustrated.

But the lesson didn’t end there. A few weeks later, I was assigned the same negotiating opponent. Having learned my lesson, I had no intention of implementing the negative techniques I’d experimented with in earlier sessions. Instead, I approached the negotiation with an open and friendly attitude, assuming we would arrive at a win-win solution.

Much to my surprise, the negotiation didn’t go at all as I’d expected. Even when I offered evidence that I was playing fairly by disclosing my bottom line, the other party was totally unable to recover from the mistrust I’d established during the earlier negotiation. After a long, drawn-out session, we eventually arrived at an agreement, but it was hardly satisfactory to either party, and far from the best possible outcome in the case.

I’ve learned my lesson, but apparently, the importance of protecting their credibility is one I still need to teach my children. Last night, Kitten used stall tactics to avoid going to sleep, which included reading books, playing with her bears, and chatting.

When I told her to go to sleep, she replied, “I can’t. Puppy is keeping me awake.”

Normally, this excuse would work. After all, Puppy and Kitten’s bedrooms are situated next to each other, and their doors are side by side. What one does in one room, the other can generally hear in the other.

What Kitten didn’t know was that, with my husband out of town, I’d let Puppy sleep in my room—all the way down the hall. Not only was Puppy not in her room, she was snoring softly in mine!

I didn’t disclose this information to Kitten, but it was duly noted, and the next time Kitten complains that Puppy is keeping her awake, I won’t be taking her word at face value.

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Thou Shalt Love Thy Sister

Posted in Negotiations with tags , , on February 25, 2011 by jrvitalis

It must be the winter blues – too much cold, not enough fresh air and exercise. What else could explain the fact that my two normally loving children have suddenly begun squabbling with each other day in and day out?

In an effort to nip this behavior in the bud, I’ve launched a full scale “though shalt love thy sister” campaign, which has consisted of everything from time-outs for inappropriate behavior to spending extra “Mommy time” with each girl to make sure each of their emotional needs are getting met.

The most effective measure I’ve found to calm simmering tempers and hurt feelings has been surprisingly simple. I’ve always encouraged the girls to “use their words” to talk through their problems, and over the last couple of weeks I’ve taken extra care to make sure I intervene when necessary to help each child hear and be heard.

But recently, I added a new element to these sessions, one that has made all the difference. After each child has had an opportunity to talk and we’ve discussed possible solutions and come up with a compromise, I ask each girl to say something kind about the other child.

The first time I did this, I asked Kitten to go first.

“Tell me what you love most about Puppy,” I said.

She thought for a long while and I wasn’t sure she understood what I was asking for.

Then she looked up.  “I love her because she eats pooh-pooh!”

Oh no, I thought. This isn’t going to go well.

Horrified, Puppy shrieked, “I do not!”

Closing my eyes, I raced to think of how to remedy the situation. But when I opened my eyes, I saw a devilish gleam shining from Kitten’s eyes, and a small grin turned up the corners of her lips. She was teasing her sister! Puppy caught on, too. The next thing I knew, she had flung herself on Kitten, and both girls were rolling all over the living room floor, shrieking with laughter.

Mission accomplished.

We’ve continued the practice of talking about what we love about the other person at the end of each conflict, and while Kitten still occasionally teases her sister, more often than not, the discussions end up with each girl walking away feeling good about themselves, and loving each other.  Give it a try!

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Don’t Forget about Their BATNA’s!

Posted in Negotiations with tags , , on October 22, 2010 by jrvitalis

As Kitten transitions from toddlerhood into “big girl” status, the frequency (and intensity) of our negotiations has increased. Gone are the days where I could ask her to do something, and she would do it. Okay, those days never really existed with Kitten. But gone are the days where I could ask her to do something, and she would simply ignore me and go on with her life. Instead, we’ve entered an exciting new phase where she likes to engage me in a negotiation.

You would think that negotiating with a three-year-old would be a slam-dunk, but Kitten routinely leaves me standing with my mouth open.

Take ballet, for example. Puppy has been in ballet for three years, and Kitten has been talking about turning three so she could start ballet ever since she learned to talk. With fall approaching, and the start of Kitten’s first ballet class, she talked about little else all summer.

On the way to class, Kitten was ecstatic. If she hadn’t been strapped tightly into her car seat, she would have been bouncing.

During class, she seemed to have a great time, turning and leaping with a big grin on her face all the while.

But when class was over and I asked how she liked it, she responded, “Not so good.”

I decided she was simply tired, and proceeded to escort Puppy to her ballet class. While Puppy was dancing, Kitten went crazy. At one point she was alternating between licking my face and sucking on my chin. At another point, she bolted from my arms and darted toward the parking lot.

Needless to say, things were not going as planned. Expecting to have a rational discussion, I sat her down and talked to her about her behavior.

Me: I’m very unhappy with your behavior right now. This is not how a big girl acts. If you can’t show me that you can act like a big girl, I can’t bring you back to a big girl ballet class.”

Kitten (shrugging as she walked off): That’s okay. If I want to do ballet, I’ll just practice at home from now on.

The thing is, she wasn’t being flip or sassy – she was totally serious. During our little negotiation, I had seriously misjudged her BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement). When I’d tossed out that she wouldn’t be able to do ballet anymore, I was working under the premise that she’d do anything to avoid losing out on her class. Turns out, that simply wasn’t the case.

Score

Kitten: 1

Mom: 0

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Anchoring, Part II

Posted in Negotiations on August 27, 2010 by jrvitalis

Last week we talked about negotiations, particularly the importance of anchoring in a negotiation setting. Although Kitten anchored high during our spirited marshmallow exchange, I was able to reset the equilibrium by countering with a lower offer than I had started with. At the age of three, Kitten wasn’t able to counter this move, and we ended up settling on my original offer: one marshmallow.

Apparently Puppy, just a few weeks beyond her sixth birthday, is on to my negotiating tactics. She not only recognizes them, but knows how to use them against me. A couple of days ago I misplaced my cell phone. After tearing apart the house, the garage and even the car in an attempt to locate it, I turned to Puppy and Kitten.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll give fifty-cents to anyone who locates my cell phone.”

“Really?” Puppy asked eagerly.

I nodded. “Really.”

Without missing a beat, Puppy responded. “I want a buck.”

As I stared at her in surprise, Puppy grinned. She knew she had me.

Backed into a corner, I had no choice but to agree. But I wasn’t happy about it. It wasn’t the extra fifty cents that bothered me; finding my cell phone was well worth a dollar. It was knowing that I had been trumped by my six-year-old. What kind of trouble am I going to be in when she turns sixteen?

As for my cell phone, I’m happy to report I didn’t have to pay out any cash to get it back; later in the day, I found it buried in Kitten’s bike basket. How did it get there? Some questions are better left unasked.

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Marshmallow Madness

Posted in Negotiations with tags , , , on August 19, 2010 by jrvitalis

It’s been awhile since we talked negotiations. Either that means things have been running really smoothly in our household, or I’ve just been holding on for dear life.

More likely the latter. Take last night’s negotiation, for example. The subject? Marshmallows.

More specifically, a marshmallow gun, which seemed like a really good idea back in May, when the girls and I were shopping for the perfect father’s day gift for the man who seemed to have everything.  Somewhere in the purchasing process, I neglected to realize that every time the marshmallow gun would get pulled out, volumes of marshmallows would be consumed by both of my children. (After all, the main advantage in having marshmallows blasted at your head is that you can eat them!).

Enter last night. After the dinner party, the marshmallow gun made an appearance. The next several minutes were accompanied by the sound of loud pops, children shrieking and scurrying in all directions, and lots of sticky little faces.

During the festivities, I didn’t bother to track how many marshmallows were consumed. A half a bag? A full bag? Maybe more.

The point is, when the marshmallows madness finally came to an end, Kitten melted down. On a general basis, the rule in our house is that if you cry about something, it is my job as a parent to teach you that you don’t get what you want by crying, which means the answer is automatically no (a fairly effective method to prevent meltdowns and teach even very young kids to use their words). But every rule has its exceptions, and last night was one of them.

It hardly seemed fair to expect an exhausted three-year old hyped up on sugar to think rationally, and surrounded by a house full of company, I was in no mood for a prolonged drama. So I negotiated.

“If you stop crying, you can have ONE more marshmallow.”

Kitten turned off the tears and threw her arms around my neck. “Thanks, Mommy. You the BEST Mommy in the whole wide world!”

Hugging her back, I repeated, “One. Got it?”

She smiled and snuggled happily on my lap. While my husband went to fetch the last round of marshmallows, I double checked with Kitten to make sure she understood the parameters of the situation.

“How many marshmallows are we going to eat, Kitten?”

Without missing a beat, she looked at me and beamed. “FIVE!”

I could see that the situation was going to require some fancy footwork. We had entered a full blown negotiation, and Kitten had anchored high. If I stuck to my initial offer of one marshmallow, it was inevitable that we would end up settling on some number in the middle: 2, 3 or even 4 marshmallows (or end up right back where we started –with another tantrum).

After the laughter died down, I made a counter offer, one that reset the equilibrium. “How about none!”

Kitten looked devastated. I remained silent, waiting for her response. Perking up, she looked at me, and I could tell she had come up with a brilliant idea. “How about ONE?” she said.

With that, we had a deal.

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Identify Win-Win Scenarios

Posted in Negotiations with tags , , , , , , on February 11, 2010 by jrvitalis

Tip #7 focused on identifying your BATNA and ended with a stand-off between Puppy and myself concerning whether or not she would be allowed to go to school in her pajamas.

My position: No chance was she going to school in her pajamas

Her position: No chance was she changing out of her pajamas

So what happened? Well, when it became obvious that our negotiations had come to a standstill, I fell back on my BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement) – Puppy stayed home.

This worked fine for one day. But on her next school day, Puppy showed up for breakfast, once again announcing she was wearing pajamas to school. Suddenly, I realized my previously-identified BATNA was no longer acceptable – Puppy couldn’t stay home again. Unfortunately, the only other alternative I could identify was to physically remove her pajamas, get her dressed, and drag her to school kicking and screaming. Not an attractive option, for either of us.  I had to identify a win-win scenario.

In GETTING TO YES Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (an excellent book), authors Roger Fisher and William Ury write about the importance of focusing on interests, not positions. In order to break my impasse with Puppy, I realized I was going to have to apply this important negotiating principle.

Rather than focusing on our seemingly contradictory positions, I outlined for puppy my concerns about her wearing pajamas to school (it’s not socially acceptable, it sets a bad precedence, etc.). In turn, I asked her to share with me why she was so adamant about wearing her pajamas to school (they are warm and comfortable). As we discussed these issues (careful not to focus on our positions), a light bulb suddenly went off for Puppy.

“I know Mom!” she suddenly cried. “Let’s compromise. How about if I wear my pajamas to school under my clothes?”

This was a scenario I could live with. We both walked away from the table feeling as though we had “won” – all because we focused on discussing the issues, rather than on repeating our positions.

Have you ever reached a successful compromise with your children by identifying win-win scenarios? Post them below!

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Know Your BATNA!

Posted in Negotiations with tags , , , on February 5, 2010 by jrvitalis

The importance of preparation is a key tenant in negotiations. Granted, it may be hard – if not impossible – to anticipate the ludicrous debates in which you might find yourself entangled on any given day (after all, do any of us really wake up expecting to have an intellectual debate as to the merits of picking your nose or why your two-year-old shouldn’t bite the puppy’s tail?), but if you find yourself engaging in the same debates day after day, or week after week, it may be time to step back and apply some fundamental negotiating principles.

Let’s start with BATNA, or the best alternative to a negotiated agreement. Whether your ultimate goal is to secure a “win” or to simply arrive at a compromise, you will be able to negotiate far more effectively if you have identified your BATNA.

Puppy is a master negotiator. She has a magical ability to sense weakness, and uses the opportunity to eat her opponents alive. I’ve quickly learned that if I don’t know my BATNA, she will often come out on top. Let me give you an example. When Puppy was three, we enrolled her in preschool two mornings a week. She’s always been into clothing and fashion, and often changes her clothes several times a day. I generally try to keep my mouth shut and let her express her individuality. Even when she wears her yellow and white polka-dot shirt under a fuchsia floral dress complimented by brown tights with teddy bears on them. But I draw the line at pajamas. Don’t get me wrong – I love pajamas. In fact, unless I’m leaving the house, I rarely change out of my pajamas. But I do feel compelled, as a parent, to teach my child to dress appropriately when appearing in public.

So when she showed up at the breakfast table one morning and announced she was going to school in her pajamas, I drew the line. I told her she could wear anything she wanted, but not pajamas. I won’t get into the details of the exchange that ensued, but suffice it to say that she was determined to make a point – and so was I.

So what were my options? I could have given in and allowed her to go to school in her pajamas. On a theoretical basis, I didn’t really have any problem with this option (her pajamas were in good taste and they did look awfully comfortable), but on a practical basis this was one precedence I didn’t want to set. The situation went downhill quickly, and I had to make a decision. Assuming we weren’t going to reach a successful agreement, what was my best-case scenario? Obviously if she wasn’t willing to go to school in anything other than pajamas and I wasn’t willing to let her leave the house in pajamas, staying home was our best alternative.

Was this something I could live with? I had a full day planned. Kitten and I had music class, and I had a long list of errands to accomplish afterward. Puppy staying home would mean no music class, and possibly no errands. Yep. I could live with that. I had identified my BATNA.  

Want to know how our negotiation ended? Check back next week, when I’ll be posting a discussion on  identifying win-win scenarios!

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Do Not Assume Both Parties Are Rational!

Posted in Negotiations with tags , , on January 7, 2010 by jrvitalis

I intended to begin with accounting, econ, finance, operations and marketing  – classes that served as the foundation for my MBA education. But after spending the morning arguing with my five-year-old daughter about the proper footwear for our upcoming outing (It’s currently seven degrees Fahrenheit. Her vote?  Mary Janes with no socks. My vote? Thick socks and Moon Boots.), I decided to focus instead on the MBA class that has perhaps the most direct relevance to parenting – negotiations.

At Columbia, we studied BATNA’s and walk-away points, opening offers and the issue of trust. All incredibly useful stuff (and concepts we’ll get to in future postings), except for one small problem. Very nearly everything I learned in negotiations is predicated upon one teeny-weeny-itty-bitty little assumption: that your “opponent” is rational.

Enter my two-year old. I’ll call her Kitten. If you have kids, you can see where this is going. Kitten is rational, when she wants to be. The other 99% of the time she has me running in circles so fast I can’t tell if I’m coming or going.

Take the other day, for example. We were at a playground during a family outing when Kitten, who is intelligent, fiercely independent, and strong-willed, walked by her older sister, who I’ll call Puppy. Without warning or provocation, Kitten suddenly reached over and pinched Puppy. Knowing full well what she had done, Kitten then turned and stared at me, tilting her chin defiantly. Despite the fact that this scenario has played itself out at least a million times over the last six months, I remained calm and explained to Kitten that we don’t use our bodies to hurt other people and that I needed her to apologize to her sister. Rather than cooperating, she turned her head away from me disdainfully. I continued on to explain that if she chose not to apologize to Puppy, we were going to have to leave the play area.

Obviously any rational human being would have muttered a half-hearted “sorry” to Puppy and moved on with her life.

But not my Kitten. Instead, she turned on her heels and headed for the exit, proclaiming, “Leave now.”

I had negotiated myself right into a corner. In addition to having violated a cardinal parenting rule – never suggest a consequence you don’t intend to follow-through on – I had failed to recognize that my “opponent” couldn’t be relied upon to make a rational decision.

Final Score: Kitten – 1, Mom – 0

So what happened next? Left with little choice, we did end up leaving the play area – thankfully, Puppy is far more accommodating than Kitten! As far as the Mary Jane versus Moon Boot debate goes, we eventually ended up striking a successful compromise:  Moon Boots required, socks optional.  

Do you have a story to share about a negotiation with your (ir)rational child? Please, post your comments below!

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